i used 2 be smart.

spring clean.
mum said to throw out unwanted stuff so that next year we can move with much ease.

flipped thru my sec sch stuff/work/tests/exam papers.
all i can say is that the marks i got last time as compared to now = huge far cry.
not boasting but i actually used to be quite smart.
or that's what i think only.

i wonder what happened to me?
maybe cuz i was in a small pond.

whatevers. i must start studying now.
at least do more maths.
cuz i flunk my math.
which implies that im dumb & lazy.

asked my mum how much my dad used to earn.
and i got a shock.
and now, we're at rock bottom ground zero.

disheartened cuz my dad's like so freaking smart.
honours degree. i know it doesnt mean much now.
and he's salary used to have tons of zeros in it.
but now, it's just one big fat zero.

im sick of being in the situation im in.
but there's nothing i can do.
whenever i see something i like ,
i hesitate so much that i dont like shopping anymore.

money is hard to earn.
and i wonder why things happened to sucha wonderful dad of mine.
it wasnt like he gambled, smoked , drink, womanized or indulged himself in whatever vices u can think of.
i'm pissed cuz he wasnt irresponsible.he was honest,upright and responsible.
so why did bad stuff keep coming his way?

he worked hard.
he's smart.
but why.

and i seriously doubt we have a future back in msia.
my mum keeps telling me to " wait..."
and i cant do much because i dont have the capability and means to contribute.

and why i got so messed up a couple of wks ago,
was because of this.
i tried to run away.
i cant anymore.

because running isnt a solution.
it's only a temporary escape.

i looked at the pictures, ran thru the stuff which i did,
although times were good back then, and not-so-good now,
i dont feel like im deprived of anything.

because at the end of it all,
i still have my family.

and that's what makes me rich.
the priceless and most precious of all great things in life - love.

so yes, rocky times ahead,
and i wont cry anymore.